What you can do when shes miscarried.

This is something I am going through at the moment. People want to do something but have no idea how to help.

My husband has took over running the household no small feat with four children three of whom are home educated and he runs his business from home. His support has been amazing. He has made tempting meals I haven’t touched, all I feel like is soup!  I also have a great friend who has offered me endless 24/7 support via text message, she is an experienced doula and has had several miscarriages herself, her reassurance and love has stopped me from running to A and E and putting trust in my body.

I have n’t felt like speaking to anyone, I don’t want to re tell the same sad story, I’ve avoided calling back concerned friends and family as often the conversation ends with me reassuring them either that I am ok (I am not really feeling ok) or counselling them through their past loses which is not what I need right now. So calling a friend who has miscarried isnt the best idea. What I really wanted is for people to come round to hug me bring me soup and just listen if I wanted to talk.

Heres a list of thing i would have loved someone to drop round last week,

Maternity Sanitary Towels, wipes and nappy bags to clean up with.

Home made soup with extra garlic.

Blackseed oil and manuka honey for tea.

A box of Spa Tone iron water and a high dose vitamin C pack.

A family meal even sending us a take away would have been useful.

Taking my younger children out would have been useful as they didnt really understand what was going on and why mummy was sleeping all the time.

Maybe I should make up a surviving a miscarriage pack for mums.

 

 

Advertisements

Whats a Doula? Article shared from Sisters magazine.

doula article in Sisters magazine

28 July 2013 at 12:32

 

“I always remind my Muslim clients that Maryam gave birth alone, under a tree,” says Jameella doula in North London, “with no pain relief. She put her faith in Allah (SWT), which is ultimately what we’re doing.”

Maryam (AS) is an inspiring example of faith and fortitude, one we should all try to emulate, but for most of us, birthing a child is a prospect too daunting to face alone. A doula can help us experience the same trust and peace that soothed and guided Maryam (AS) as she gave birth to Prophet Isa (AS).

A doula is a trained female labour attendant (sometimes called a birth partner), who assists a pregnant woman during the latter stages of pregnancy, during the birthing process and in the postnatal period. Doulas cater to the very broad spectrum of a woman’s needs during this very crucial time in her life and the life of her baby, complementing midwives and medical personnel by making mothers feel supported, informed, and nurtured.

Women who use them often insist that doulas are not only complementary but also practically indispensable. Clinical trials report that steady help from a doula before, during, and after childbirth is correlated with significant reductions in pain, length and severity of labour, the use of forceps, Caesarean sections, fetal distress and incidents of neonatal intensive care. Women also report a happier birth experience if a doula is in attendance, and studies show better long-term outcomes—more successful breastfeeding, for one. Results are particularly significant for young women of humble circumstances.

“From the 38th week of pregnancy, I’m on call 24/7 until the labour begins,” says Jameella, “ or until the mother feels labour is beginning. We discuss her needs as well as any concerns or fears she may have and how she can best address them. I usually visit her two or three times, either in her home or somewhere else—we might, for example, make a tour of a birth centre or labour ward.”

“I remain with the mother throughout labour, as a reassuring presence. After the birth, I stay with her, helping her get comfortable and breastfeed if she wishes. I also work with families in the postnatal period, doing whatever the family needs, kind of like a fairy—I swoop in and empty the dishwasher, run a warm bath, or watch the baby while mum takes an uninterrupted nap. Of course every family is different, and I adapt to their care needs.”

Becoming a doula

What does it take to become a doula? The role demands a certain type of character and attitude. “Being a doula is very rewarding, but it’s not for everyone,” Jameella points out. “Being calm when people around are afraid or stressed is vital. You must also be caring and loving, without bias or prejudice.”

Jameella, an Irish-Moroccan who reverted to Islam ten years ago, was prepared for the doula’s life by a special kind of background. Having four children of her own, a family numerous by modern standards, she is at the diminutive end of a line of fertile women; one of her grandmothers had ten children and the other fourteen. Jameella herself was the oldest of five children.

“I remember Mum preparing for the births of my youngest siblings. She was a great believer in natural childbirth. I read all her pregnancy booklets and went with her to her midwife appointments as a child. I also learned to care for my siblings and was always comfortable with newborns.”

When Jamella was still a teenager, a BBC documentary called Birth Reborn, about the work of French natural childbirth pioneer Michael Odent, set her on the doula road. This was the beginning of what was to become not just an occupation but also an impassioned and meaningful life mission.

The training and mentoring of a doula

It wasn’t long before she was training under Odent himself. “Back in 2006, I was fortunate enough to attend a course he ran in London for women wanting to learn about the needs of a mother in labour.”

“I’m now a member of Doula UK, a non profit organisation of doulas. I’m following their mentoring program. I have many wonderful wise women I can turn to if a client has an issue I haven’t come across before.”

Doula training is always a work in progress, dependent on the wisdom of countless other women, past and present.  “I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but if I don’t know I will do my best to find out! Doulas are never finished training—it’s something we constantly do to improve birth experiences for women. We must have open minds and be ready to learn new ways of doing things.”

Sheer wonder

“Being present at a birth is always a huge honour,” says Jameella, “and I cry every time at the sheer wonder of Allah’s (SWT) creation. Seeing a woman who doubted her ability to birth her child become a wonderfully empowered mother is also the greatest part of my job. My beliefs have a massive affect on my work; knowing that Allah (SWT) is in control is always a comfort.”

“My most beneficial experience was having my own children. I’ve had four natural,

unassisted births with no stitches. My youngest was born in the birth pool, and I brought him to the surface myself; he was born with his membranes intact. It was absolutely amazing. I want every woman to have that feeling.”

Winding down

As you can imagine, events so momentous as assisting the birth of a child can also be draining, and leisure activities must be carefully chosen. “It’s intense work,” says Jameella; “I feel like I give a bit of my soul during every birth I attend, and it generally takes me a few days to get back to normal. On my time off I love to read, and gardening is very relaxing for me though I’m not very good at it! I’m a massive film buff and watch a film at the cinema once a week. I also walk everywhere—it clears my head.”

When trouble looms

The presence of a doula is known to reduce the number of birthing crises but not eliminate them entirely. “Sometimes,” says Jameella, “no matter how hard we work, plan, and prepare, a birth can become an emergency.”

In precarious situations, some hospital staff report conflicts with some doulas who try to overrule them on safety issues. But Jameella has an accommodating approach and strives to work with all the professionals involved to ensure the best possible outcomes for mother and baby. In return she receives the staff’s cooperation.

“I’m not medically trained, and I’m always in awe of how efficiently a medical team can come together to rescue a distressed baby. And even though they can’t offer the emotional care a doula gives, midwives are amazing. Every midwife I’ve worked with has been positive regarding my role as a doula, though our jobs are completely different.”

The client’s family members never trouble her either. “I never get in the way of family members; I’m there for the mother and having me around takes the pressure off dad or the client’s own mother. It can be very difficult to watch a loved one going through the pain of labour, but I’m comfortable around labouring women.”

“Knowing when to step away is also important; I’m working to empower women, not to make them reliant upon me. Every birth belongs to the mother and the child, and it’s not my place to tell them how to do things. When I sign off a postnatal client and walk away leaving a happy, confident mother, I know I’ve done my job.”

 

Coping with a miscarriage.

I miscarried.There I said it. It had been coming for weeks and yet still it was frightening and over whelming.

I have had four children so I know about contractions and as a birth partner have an arsenal of pain coping tricks up my sleeve. Nothing prepared me for the end of my pregnancy. There is no support for women who are less than 12 weeks pregnant, go to A and E is all my midwife told me when I tried to explain the bleeding.

There is another way, many women may find the thought of natural miscarriage daunting and for some its a healing. its important to look out for excessive bleeding and signs of infection. If you feel dizzy or faint then you need an ambulance, if your heart races or you feel feverish call 999. its better to be on the safe side.

I was determined to stay at home, hadn’t i planned a home birth? So a natural miscarriage was the way to go for me. I upped my iron intake a week before hand, I was spotting so I knew it was on the cards though I told myself it was for the healthy development of the placenta, I am naturally a sunny side person, my glass was full, not even half way ! I had even planned the cloth nappies I was going to use, actually I’ll be receiving one of those in the post soon via ebay.

After weeks of bed rest (mind slowly dying) and avoiding anything that might bring on a miscarriage, the endless worry about the spotting and bleeding it was a relief when the contractions began, I behaved as I do when I am in labour, I carried on as normal, I sat and did my ironing while watching cartoons with my youngest son. I had a hot water bottle tied to my belly for the pain. I breathed through them and made a mental note of each one. When they got too bad to ignore I went and sat on the toilet and rocked. I placed a plastic tub in the toilet to catch anything that came out and catch it it did. Thats when I lost my cool, I didn’t dare to look at what had just happened, I called my husband and asked him to look while I went to another room to cry. He did look and told me its a sack. he even looked within and reported there was no sign of anything human looking, which means as I had suspected my pregnancy hadn’t been viable from the beginning.  he buried it in the garden under our passion flower, very fitting I think.

I went to bed with my hot water bottle and a big mug of birth tea, hot water with a couple of tea spoons of organic apple cider vinegar and a pinch of cayene pepper, there i tried to rest between the continuing contractions. I prayed a lot in these hours and cried and cried to Allah because he alone tested me with this and he knows how I felt and how I feel. I recited Quran and prayed and felt peaceful.

A few hours later I felt the need to get to the bathroom fast, we only have one toilet and a lot of people in our house so camping out there wasnt an option. When I got downstairs my son was in there, I huffed and puffed my way around the kitchen while I waited I knew something else was coming, it was the placenta i sat on the loo and it was there on my pad i freaked a bit and flipped it into the toilet, I thought it was an enormous clot it wasn’t until later I realised what it must have been. After that the contractions continued for hours I was exhausted and feeling desperate and tired so I called NHS direct knowing they’d send me an ambulance if i mentioned how much blood i was losing. Calling them was the lowest point of the whole thing the girl I spoke to was patronising and rude intent on trying to figure out my ethnic origin and asked me “what makes you think you’ve miscarried”

 

“erm the fact I’ve lost the sack, embryo and placenta was a big give away”

I took some paracetamol which did nothing except keep me awake all night!

So I ended up staying home, I passed a few more clots and the pain finally stopped, I had the first pains at about 3pm they stopped at about 11 pm so it really was like labour. I lay on my bed and had a little cry with my husband and thanked allah for his endless kindness if i had to miscarry this was the best way for me.

A miscarriage where the embryo has no human features is classed at irregular bleeding islamically and so we continue to pray and fast. However if my embryo had anything that looked human then I would stop salah and fasting until the bleeding had ceased. heres a great article what explains it all in detail.

Ruling Concerning a Miscarriage

Question: Some women have miscarriages. Sometimes the fetus comes out fully formed while at another times it does not. I would like you to make clear the ruling for prayer in both of those situations.

Response: If a woman has a miscarriage and the fetus has clearly human figures to it, such as a head, hand, leg and so forth, then her bleeding is post-natal bleeding. She follows the rulings of post-natal bleeding. She does not pray or fast and her husband cannot have sexual intercourse with her until the bleeding stops or she completes forty days. If the bleeding stops before the 40th day, she must make ghusl, pray, fast during Ramadhan and her husband may have sexual intercourse with her.

There is no minimum length of time for post-partum bleeding. The bleeding could stop after ten days, more or less, and then she must make ghusl and all the laws of a ritually pure person apply to her. If she sees any blood after the fortieth day, it is considered bleeding from illness. She would then fast and pray with that bleeding and it is permissible for her husband to have intercourse with her. She must make ablution for the time of every prayer, like the mustahaadha,1 as the Prophet (peace be upon him) told Fatima bint Abu Hubaish, 

“Make ablution for the time of every prayer.”

If the blood that flows from her after the forty-day period coincides with the time of her menses, then it takes on the ruling of menses. It is forbidden for her to pray or fast until she becomes pure. And it is forbidden for her husband to have intercourse with her.

However, if what comes out of the woman does not resemble a human being, such as when it is simply a smooth lump of flesh or clot of blood, then she takes the ruling of istihaadhaand not that of post-partum bleeding. She should pray, fast during Ramadhan and may have intercourse with her husband. She should make ablution for the time of every prayer while keeping herself clean from the blood by a panty liner or something similar, like themustahaadha, until the bleeding stops. She may also combine the Dhuhr and Asr prayers together and the Maghrib and Isha prayers together. She may also make a ghusl for the combined prayers and a separate ghusl for the Fajr prayer based on the confirmed hadith of Hamnah bint Jahsh. This is because she is to be treated like a mustahaadha according to the people of knowledge.

Shaikh Ibn Baz 

 

~ Ref: http://www.kalamullah.com/menses.html

 

 

I sincerely hope that my story helps someone.

I’m now focused on healing myself trying to eat regularly easy to digest nourishing meals along with the birth tea and raspberry leaf tea as well. Reading Quran and listening to it is a big part of the healing process for me as well.