Today last year my pregnancy ended after 12 hard weeks of spotting, cramping, bed rest and bleeding, numerous scans and doctors appointments. There was no baby, nothing had been growing inside the well developed sack. There was a small chunk of white hard flesh. We buried it in the garden under the passion flower.
I was heart broken but relieved as well, finally it was over.
Its taken me a long time to completely heal mentally and physically, I learnt a lot about myself by going through this, these are a few of the things I learnt. Of course theres loads more.
1, Allah will test us with loss and heart ache, sometimes we hate whats good for us.
2, I have an amazing blessing in my healthy children allhumdulilah.
3, My husband is a rock mashallah, allhumdulilah, without his quiet support and calming presence, I wouldn’t have been able to face what needed to happen alone.
4, There is no such thing as a phantom pregnancy, once we see that positive result we are pregnant, we plan for the future, for our child.
5, I can better support woman through pregnancy loss, I’ve worked with many woman who have lost pregnancies and until experiencing it myself I didn’t really understand the agony and real sense of loss, literally emptiness.
6, Often I tell people I am OK when in fact I am far from it 😦
7, Its ok to cry, cry cry to Allah, He alone knows whats in our hearts.
8, Its possible to have a natural home miscarriage as much as it is to have a home birth with the proper care and keeping a close eye on the bleeding and taking a good iron supplement, I used spa tone, I took 4 per day the week before the miscarriage (I knew it was coming) and 6 a day for the week following, then dropped to two per day for 6 weeks.
9, Islam makes perfect sense, after three days of morning I was able to wash my tears away and get up and get on with life, Islam gives 3 days of grieving for a death except a wife for her husband, that is 4 months.
10, Quran cures everything.
11, If there is no sign of a child then we have to continue praying through the bleeding, this was difficult but such a blessing, being able to put my head in sujud and submit to the Lord of the Worlds was an amazing healing for me. He alone tested me with this.
Its taken me a year to lose the weight I put on in that three month period, its crazy but I gained a stone in that period because I was mostly on bed rest and craved carbs like crazy, I tried to stick to healthy foods like brown rice and wholemeal carbs but the hunger was intense. My body was working so so hard to nourish something that just was never going to thrive, the power of the human body is amazing mashallah.
I never get over the wonder of creation and life beginning as a clot then a lump of chewed flesh and finally and formed human being, subhannallah. Glory is to God.
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